Love may be blind, but you need to go into marriage with open eyes - with a little help from premarital counselling.

Premarital counselling seems like a strange idea when everything is smooth sailing, but with nearly one third of marriages ending in divorce, making this lifetime commitment shouldn`t be taken lightly.
Pam Diamond, a social worker at the Family Life Centre, Johannesburg, heads up Prepare/Enrich South Africa. For the past seven years, she has counselled couples, families and individuals on the intricacies of relationships.

"People spend so much time agonising over the actual wedding that they lose sight of what follows," she states. "Premarital counselling allows the couple time to get everything in perspective - to focus solely on their relationship and learn how to keep it alive."

What is Prepare/Enrich ?
Because the Family and Marriage Society of South Africa (FAMSA) maintains that a healthy marriage is the cornerstone of a healthy family, they have made it their mission to ensure that future families have a sound start by securing the rights to the Prepare/Enrich programme, developed by David Olson and colleagues of the University of Minnesota, USA.

`Prepare` is a premarital course for couples wanting to explore and strengthen their relationship, while `Enrich` is for married couples or couples living together, who want to enhance their existing relationship.
Says Pam: "The Prepare/Enrich programme can be seen as a preventative tool, helping couples identify areas that require work before they develop into insurmountable issues. It`s natural for marriages to have highs and lows, but it`s how you deal with them that counts." Despite this, many husbands and wives-to-be tremble at the thought of undergoing counselling, fearing the programme will be too intrusive.
"What you need to remember is that people change," argues Pam, "and with the introduction of children, as well as shifts in career status, so does the couple`s lifestyle. They may be passionately in love now, but it`s wrong to assume that their feelings will remain unchanged over the years to come. The challenge is to grow together rather than apart. It`s so easy to lose sight of the fact that although you`re united, you`re not a solitary unit. Couples need to explore what their expectations and aspirations are on a regular basis - as a couple, and as individuals. After all, a strong marriage is built on open communication."

The counsellor`s role is non-intrusive, he is merely a facilitator allowing couples to express themselves in an atmosphere where they feel understood - not judged.
Resistance is often experienced because the course is compulsory for a number of religious sects. Although the programme itself is non-denominational, Judaism, Anglican, Methodist and Dutch Reform are among the groups that have adopted the Prepare/Enrich approach. Rabbis, clergy and ministers are trained by the Prepare/Enrich team at the Family Life Centre on how to use the programme.
Despite initial hesitation, according to Pam, once they overcome the feeling that they are forced to participate, most couples get really excited by the programme and enjoy the `getting to know each other` process.

How does Prepare/Enrich work?
Prepare/Enrich usually consists of four sessions, each lasting approximately one hour. The cost varies from R120 to R400, depending on whether the couple chooses to do it through a religious institution or secularly. This fee includes a computer assessment, as well as counselling thereafter.
The questionnaire comprises 165 multiple choice questions covering various categories. Couples complete the questionnaires independently, and they are then sent through a computer, which processes and collates them. The questionnaire is designed to stimulate thought about what each party expects, as well as what drives them.

The counsellor is then presented with an intensive report on the couple, identifying their communication style, areas of strength and areas that need to be explored further. This highly confidential profile is used as a framework for the informal discussions that follow.
Subjects under discussion are varied and include conflict resolution; marriage expectations; financial management; leisure activities; sexual relations; parenting; spiritual beliefs; family closeness; and couple and family flexibility. Because respecting each other`s differences is paramount, even minor annoying idiosyncrasies are addressed.

"Marriage does not mean that you have to lose your individuality, but if something about your partner is bothering you, you need to confront it from a position of understanding," explains Pam. "Identifying potential problems helps prevent conflict at a later stage."
One of the most significant aspects of a person`s character stems from his or her family of origin. "Patterns are often repeated unconsciously," explains Pam, "and your background shapes what you become accustomed to. Problems arise, however, when one partner comes from a repressed or distant family who don`t communicate, and the other originates from a family of sharers who are more in touch with each other`s issues." Through counselling, the couple is able to understand the dynamic of their relationship.

The course also encourages couples to engage in activities that enhance togetherness. Not just watching television together - which is non-communicative - but also spending time talking, sharing secrets, laughing, and planning frequent weekends away to release tension.

But what if you discover that you`re incompatible?
"The programme is not about whether you should get married," responds Pam. "It`s about making conflict manageable, even healthy. Couples who have completed our course often find that they are behaving, speaking - and listening - to each other differently. In rare cases, couples postpone their wedding date to further examine unresolved issues - but this is a conclusion that they arrive at on their own. We will never deter a couple from getting married if that`s what they want and believe they`re ready for." Naturally, working on marriage should be an ongoing process. It is advised that couples start the programme even before they get engaged or at least six months before the wedding.

However, if there are only a few weeks to go until the wedding, Pam recommends that couples wait, as many issues are likely to get swept under the carpet at a time of stress. "Effective premarital counselling can only be achieved if the couple is relaxed and able to reflect clearly on their partnership."

Where to go?
Although Prepare/Enrich is non-denominational, spiritual issues are examined from a neutral perspective to find out what each individual`s belief system is. Churches or synagogues that offer the course may choose to include such issues in their programme, but should this route not be available to you, the course is also offered by counsellors in the community, both in private practice as well as those affiliated to a variety of religious institutions.

Article source: LifeWorld