What your mother never told you about marriage but married women will!

The momentous decision has been taken - you are getting married! Congratulations - and now is the time to tell you that there is good reason for the `for better or worse` line in the marriage vows. Some aspects of your new union will be better than you expect, some worse - but your life will never again be the same.

Everyone is going to give advice on issues you have not yet contemplated and everybody says that the first year of marriage is the most difficult, but nobody seems to be willing to tell you why. Remember that you have `sisters` of all ages and cultures who have completed the `course` not supplied to brides. The time has now come to share with you all the knowledge that we have accumulated.
Your wedding day will probably be the most special day of your life. The wedding night, a time filled with expectations may or may not go according to plan. The hectic days preceding the big event may leave you exhausted and drained. This is the time to be gentle with each other. The space separately occupied by each last night is now shared and intended to be so for the rest of your lives. It is indeed a difficult task, getting to know one`s spouse and accepting the changes which are necessary to form a true marriage of body, mind and spirit.

Have the Martians landed?
While we are all individuals, and every relationship is individual, there are some general attributes which seem to specifically characterise the male gender. If you grew up with brothers, you may have an inkling of some typical male habits, but you are undoubtedly still going to find something about the love of your life that your mother never warned you of.

Until he is suitably trained, do not allow him to make the tea or cook anything on the stove or in the oven. Ditto using kitchen appliances such as the washing machine, dishwasher, automatic egg boiler, beater, liquidiser etc. This is potentially dangerous (in more ways than you can imagine), stressful and often calls for advanced acting abilities on your part.

Training and development required.
Even men who have lived alone cannot be presumed to have mastered the intricate art of domesticity - and even if they have, it is not likely to measure up to your standards. I know a man who literally lived on bacon sandwiches for two years (he had learned how to cut bread and grill bacon in the oven -with no drip tray) - and then piled all dirty, greasy, gungy crockery and cutlery in the sink for a full week until his domestic help arrived. The same man didn`t use his (perfectly good) washing machine because it`s not working` . He had never cleaned out the filter - and didn`t realise that simply replacing the hose connection to the tap would solve the leaks `because the water pressure in this building is too high for this machine` (his words). His long-suffering domestic help therefore had to hand-wash everything in the bath. Even a simple act of making tea can cause teeth-gnashing. Men always dump the teabag either in the sink or on the counter; they have not yet learnt the meaning of the word `disposable`.

As for the stove/oven, don`t go and have a bath and leave him to stir the casserole/turn off the food at a certain time/replenish water before the carrots burn dry. Chances are high that the TV is on - and he will be nipping into the lounge to watch the sports, or get engrossed in a movie, and genuinely forget all else. He doesn`t do this deliberately - he is just not used to multi-tasking - a skill which most women excel at.

TV or not TV? - that is the question.
On the subject of TV, most men appear to have an obsession with sports programmes, especially those broadcast on Saturdays and Sundays. This can take some getting used to, as it often conflicts with the only time you have together. He will also speak to you without taking his eyes off the screen, and punctuate a conversation with `Vat Hom Fluffy/ Great ball - did you see that/ Oh what a goal/ that ref`s a #$@**!!Õ and other such comments. It is true to say that almost half of these `sports fanatics` actually fall asleep during the broadcast. Our advice is this; if you do not own a video camera, borrow one and film him while he sleeps through his favourite sports programme. Feel free to threaten to send a copy to the producers of SABC or M-NET. Being married means sharing the bathroom and the bedroom, and this is another area where you are likely to have to make certain compromises. Expect to find his wet towel on the floor and the toilet seat permanently up. I would like to mention here an interesting variation (to the annoying habit of leaving the toilet seat up) which may be observed in men who attended certain private schools. If you see them spitting into the toilet bowl prior to using it, don`t ask! It dates back to the popular schoolboy prank of spreading invisible Clingwrap over the toilet seat - with hilarious consequences (or so they thought). The spitting serves to confirm the presence or lack of Clingwrap - and it`s a habit which will not only last a lifetime, but one he will probably pass onto his sons.

On a more `sane` note, you will be required to replace the toothpaste cap at least twice each day. His crumpled suit should take on metaphysical powers and place itself on a hanger in less than two minutes after it is carelessly left lying on the bed. Most men snore at night. You will get used to it in time. I do not recommend the pillow over the face technique, we do not want to kill him for this intrusion on our sleep. Roll him over, a knee in the back usually works.

Other discoveries you may find `alarming`
Many men have the most disagreeable habit of setting and taking control of the alarm clock. Do not on any account allow this to occur. For some unknown reason they insist on setting the alarm for at least half an hour in advance, they will happily sleep on while you will lie awake. They say that they do this so that they can be assured of extra sleep, well, not even Irish logic can explain this one. Place the alarm on your side of the bed and keep it under your control at all times.
Many new brides fail to understand the need of their new husbands to partake of the tradition of a `boys night out`! Our advice to you is to ignore this completely. If possible, take some time to make yourself extra desirable before he leaves - the reverse psychology of this is almost guaranteed to bring him home early. If he still comes home late, look gorgeous and feign sleep! The attention given to the `boys` is bound to diminish.

Last but not least - do not make breakfast when first married - this is considered a precedent and you will never break this habit. He will expect breakfast each day, and please believe that his menu will become more complicated, `Sorry darling, but we had sausages yesterday, please put on some bacon instead` may become the first words to invade your own much needed repose. I know a woman who got up at 5.30am every morning for 20 years to make her husband breakfast - through thick and thin and bringing up five children. She only managed to break the habit by being immobilised through a knee injury. She couldn`t walk around for a while - and her husband miraculously learned to not only make his own breakfast, but to cook dinners as well.

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Article source: LifeWorld