It has been said that divorce poisons the well of family relations, but your wedding is about your future and you shouldn`t allow it to be spoiled by the past.

Having grown up in a divorced family may give any person facing the prospect of marriage cause for concern and inevitably, cold feet. It is important - whether the child of a divorced family is the husband- or wife-to-be (or both) - to come to the realisation that each marriage is the unique union of two people, and that whatever happened to cause the failure of the marriage of your parents, should have no affliction whatsoever on your own. Think of the positive side - you have first hand knowledge of the causes, symptoms and repercussions of a failed marriage. This can be used to your advantage as a challenge to make the extra effort and work hard at maintaining your own happy marriage.

Weddings generally follow the rules of tradition, however, unfortunately for you, there are no set rules or etiquette to follow in handling the inclusion of your divorced parents and perhaps their new spouses, without offending anyone at your wedding. The only role models available come from the soap operas where this sort of scenario is addressed on a more regular basis, however their choice of solution is not always advisable in real life. While we don`t claim to give you all the answers as each situation differs with each family, we hope that some words of wisdom will reassure you in this awkward scenario.

For divorced parents, the prospect of your marriage will undoubtedly be a happy one, however, although each party may have gone on with his or her life and possibly remarried, occasions such as these will inevitably stir up feelings of anxiety and dread. Times of crisis, such as accident, illness and funerals and celebrations such as Christmas, weddings and the birth of grandchildren are the only occasions on which your divorced parents will have to deal with meeting again and the expectations that come with this - maintaining a cool composure, initiating pleasant conversation, or possibly meeting the ex`s new spouse for the first time. Of all these occasions, weddings are probably the most uncomfortable for divorced parents, as the celebration brings with it all its own bitter-sweet memories and feelings of nostalgia.

The circumstances surrounding Kate`s wedding became a nightmare. "My father left my mother when I was very young for another women, whom he subsequently married, my mother was extremely bitter about it. My Step Mother had more money than he did, so even though he paid for my wedding, the reality was that she did. Both my Mother and Step Mother wanted to be involved in the planning and co-ordination of my wedding and as the big day grew closer, I couldn`t help but ask myself, Why am I doing this, when my marriage will probably end the same way ? Fortunately, on the day everyone was too civilized to be anything but polite, to one another".

It is important that you keep these issues in mind when discussing your plans with your parents. As much as it is your big day, you will not want to risk any possible flare ups between the parties, so their knowledge - and not necessarily their approval - of your arrangements on the day is essential. They need to be prepared and know exactly what to expect. Sitting down with each of your parents to discuss your budget and to plan who will pay for what is the first situation where you can expect some friction.

One set of parents may want to host the entire event, the other may feel totally left out, or another parent may not want to be involved at all. Be prepared for someone to take offense and make allowances for this. Although it is customary for the parents of the bride to pay for most of the wedding, if it is the case that the bride`s divorced mother cannot possibly afford the wedding of her daughter`s dreams, it is perfectly acceptable for the groom`s family to step in and offer assistance where they can. If you and your betrothed are currently living together and are in the fortunate position of being able to afford to pay for your own wedding, then a great deal of animosity is immediately relieved.

An awkward issue you`ll have to face early on, is the wording of the invitations. Remember that the invitation goes out from the host, so if both of your divorced parents are footing the majority of the bill, both their names should appear on the invitations. If all of the respective parents are contributing only a minor amount, or if you`re paying for your own wedding, it is perfectly normal to extend the invitation from yourselves. We have included some examples of possible wordings you may require;

In the case of a bride with divorced parents, who will walk her down the aisle? If relations with your father are strained, it is perfectly acceptable to be walked down the aisle by a brother, close uncle, cousin or male family friend, or even your step-father, if you`re close. Jewish brides are led to the altar by both parents. There is no reason why your mother can`t lead you down the aisle, or for that matter, that you walk by yourself, thus ensuring that no-one is offended.

Seating in the church has also been known to cause problems, as Tracey, a bride from the Cape found at her wedding in November last year. "Seating my divorced parents together on one pew was like waiting for a time bomb to go off". Normally the front pews of the church are reserved for the immediate family - the bride`s on the left and the groom`s on the right - our advice is to seat whichever parent and their partner is closest to you and your fiancé, in the first pew, and the other in the second. If offense is taken to this suggestion, the only other solution is that you advise your guests that there are no groom`s and bride`s sides, and that they may sit on either side, thus allowing your parents to choose where in the church they would like to sit.

Tracey went on to describe their reception. As both their parents were divorced, they decided that it would be far simpler to seat them at four separate tables along with other family members and close friends near the main table, where only the wedding party were seated.

If only one set of parents is divorced, why not try suggesting seating arrangements for the main table with the bride and groom in the centre, the married parents on each side of them, the best man and bridesmaid next, with one set of divorced parents at opposite ends of the table.

When its time for the speeches at the wedding, the bride may include both her father and step-father, if she wishes. Dancing at the reception may cause anxiety for divorced parents, especially if one parent has no partner. If this is the case, arrange a partner for the parent beforehand, such as the best man and divorced mother or bridesmaid and divorced father, so that nobody feels left out. If there is to be no father-and-daughter dance, make sure your Disk Jockey or band knows not to announce one - or the lack of it.

Make sure that you brief your photographer as to the status of family members. Posed photographs of the bride and groom with a set of divorced parents who make a point of never coming within 10 meters of one another will not make for an ideal keepsake and may cause a rather embarrassing situation for everyone, including the photographer.

And, if all else fails and one of your parents refuses to attend your wedding so as to avoid seeing the other, as selfish as this may seem, do not be put off by this. It is your day - not theirs. Make another opportunity, perhaps when you return from honeymoon, or another celebration such as Christmas, when you can spend some special time with that parent and his or her new family. Don`t allow your future to be haunted by past mistakes, use the opportunity to lay foundations for your new life.

Article source: LifeWorld